You Are Kidding!!!

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works for the government.

Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not

started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001?

Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered

that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's

capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or

crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was 'desecrated'

when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I

don't. I don't care at all.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for

incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring

about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for chopping off

Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Iraq come out

and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in

mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of

nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide .

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First

Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the

United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi

terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move

because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't

care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed

'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that

his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your

heart of hearts: I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled

'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you

guessed it-I don't care!!

If you don't agree, with the above then please don't complain when more atrocities

committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! And may I add:

'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference

in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem' -- Ronald

Reagan

One last thought for the day:

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment

and negativity, we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony

Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his

Parliament members why he believes so much in America , he said: 'A simple

way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many

want out.'

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on
the
other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to
cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure –
right
from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…….

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he
must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need
to
do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his
‘CURRENT’
problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road…

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth?’
That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that
chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other
side.

That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as
simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads,
but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% ………
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Isn’t it great to see that Congress has finally gotten its priorities in order? After addressing so many “pressing” issues, such as whether Roger Clemens used steroids when they weren’t against baseball’s rules, whether the Patriots stole football signs and how the college football national championship should be decided, our Washington brain trust is now fully engaged in an even more important issue: stopping interstate monkey trafficking. Apparently, the illegal primate trade has reached unprecedented proportions, so it’s about time Congress put an end to this monkey business.

That’s right. This week, the House passed the Captive Primate Safety Act, which “Amends the Lacey Act Amendments of 1981 to add nonhuman primates (i.e., monkeys, great apes, lemurs, etc…) to the definition of ‘prohibited wildlife species’ for purposes of the prohibition against the sale or purchase of such species in interstate or foreign commerce.” In layman’s terms, this bill would makes it illegal to monkey around with … monkeys.

The good news is that we can now scratch one of the biggest issues ever facing the nation off the list. The bad news is that we won’t be treated to the priceless scene of John McCain and Barack Obama debating who is more “pro-primate”. I’m sure PETA must be horsing around in glee now that an 800-pound gorilla has been lifted off its back.

Most amazing of all is that the Congress has shown, yet again, that it doesn’t have a clue why Americans despise it. Here’s a hint: when your actions make the nation a laughing stock and when you show a complete disregard for the real problems facing the country, you deserve to be despised.

Americans may not be able to articulate the minutiae of legislative initiatives, recite the legalese of trade policy or comprehend the complexities of extradition treaties, but they do know when they’re being taken for a ride. It is common sense to ask why our leaders haven’t tackled the tough issues in the past, and why they continue to run and duck now.

What has the Congress done to aggressively deal with the trafficking of drugs, weapons and people? Despite the decades of lip service and empty promises, why hasn’t a border wall been built to deter such trafficking? What has been done to strengthen the dollar, fire China as our nation’s banker and ensure the solubility of social security? And how can it be that the United States has the best health care in the world, yet millions of families are without coverage?

Perhaps most poignant, why does Congress time and again refuse to allow the drilling of oil within our grasp? Our petroleum resources from Alaska and the outer continental shelf would vastly surpass 20 years worth of oil we import from Saudi Arabia. Why can’t we exploit our shale deposits, which can potentially provide a century’s worth of energy needs? Why has no refinery been built since 1976? Where is the push for nuclear energy?

These are legitimate questions, considering that many analysts are projecting oil to exceed $200/barrel in the near future.

Taking a tough stand during difficult times is honorable, but if you’re a congressman, it’s also expected. If you can’t take the heat, it’s time to find another line of work. Hopefully this November, the voters will provide an early retirement to those who believe that monkey business is more important than the business of the people.

SCHOOL — 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school
parking lot
with shotgun in gun rack.
1957
- Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun,
goes to his car
and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007
- School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off
to
jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors
called in for
traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957
- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and
end up
buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and
Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started
it.

Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other
students.
1957
- Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the
Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a
zombie. Tested for
ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has
a
disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his
Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,
goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy
removed to foster
care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells
Billy’s sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to
prison. Billy’s
mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the
smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug
violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to
college.
2007 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper
articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a
requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit
against state
school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English
banned from core
curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in
a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged
with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from
home,
computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror
watch list and is
never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his
knee. He is
found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to
comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on
playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses
her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of
therapy.

It’s good to understand how taxes are paid.
Let’s put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how
our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the
most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them
for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact,
they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat
friendlier. Remember they are the ones who pay your wages, create jobs, and innovate.

TOP 8 MORONS

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”


3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “that’s not what I said!”.

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart”. “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”



7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Read the following explanation before looking at the picture!

Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much
less have a clue about reading English.

So, how does a group of Syrian protest leaders create the
most impact with their signs by having the
standard “Death To Americans”(etc.) slogans printed in English?

Answer:

They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to
translate and write their statements into English.

Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the
“civilian” insurance company employee hired for the job
was a retired US Army Sergeant! Obviously,
pictures of this protest rally never made their way to
Arab TV networks, but the results were PRICELESS!

This picture is not doctored.

.

.

.

.

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and make-up.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ‘I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.’ I noticed the ‘WhatWould Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School‘ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.’

A lot of Americans have become so insulated from reality that they
imagine that America can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to
themselves.

Pause a moment, reflect back.

These events are actual events from history.

They really happened!!!

Do you remember?

1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by Muslim male extremist
between the ages of 17 and 40.

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred
by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.

3. In 1979, the US embassy in Ir an was taken over by Muslim male
extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.

4. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by
Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by Muslim male
extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.

6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old
American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair
by Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.

7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver
trying to rescue passengers was murdered by Muslim male extremists
between the ages of 17 and 40.

8. In 1988 , Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by Muslim male extremists
between the ages of 17 and 40.

9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by Muslim
male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya an d Tanzania were bombed by
Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.

11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles
to take down the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one
crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by
the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by Muslim male
extremists between the of 17 and 40.

12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against Muslim
male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.

13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by– you
guessed it– Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.

No, I really don’t see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So,
to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent
on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to
profile certain ! people. ..
Absolutely No Profiling!
They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids,
airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members
of the President’s security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal
hips, and Medal of Honor winner and former Governor Joe Foss,

but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be
guilty of profiling.

According to The Book of Revelations:

The Anti-Christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will
deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE
Christ-like appeal….the prophecy says that people will flock to him
and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power,
he will destroy everything.

And Now:
For the award winning
Act of Stuidity
Of all times the People of America want to elect, to the most Powerful
position on the face of the Planet — The Pr esidency of the United states of A merica

A Muslim
Male
Extremist
Between
the ages
of 17 and 40.

Have the American People completely lost their Minds, or just their
Power of Reason ???

I’m sorry but I refuse to take a chance on the ‘unknown’ candidate
Obama…

Let’s send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds
and other stupid attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to
thwart common sense, feel ashamed of themselves — if they have any such
sense.

As the writer of the award winning story ‘Forrest Gump’ so aptly put it,

‘Stupid
Is
As
Stupid Does.’