Donkey Business

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works for the government.

I Don’t Care

Posted by admin     Category: Anti Americans, Religious
Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not
started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001?
Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered
that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's
capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?
Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or
crushing death that day, or didn't they?
And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was 'desecrated'
when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I
don't. I don't care at all.
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for
incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.
I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring
about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia
I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for chopping off
Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.
I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Iraq come out
and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in
mosques.
I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of
nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide .
I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First
Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the
United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi
terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move
because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't
care.
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed
'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that
his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your
heart of hearts: I don't care.
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled
'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you
guessed it-I don't care!!
If you don't agree, with the above then please don't complain when more atrocities
committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! And may I add:
'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference
in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem' -- Ronald
Reagan
One last thought for the day:
In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment
and negativity, we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony
Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his
Parliament members why he believes so much in America , he said: 'A simple
way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many
want out.'
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Why did the chicken cross the road

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on
the
other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to
cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure —
right
from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…….

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he
must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need
to
do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his
‘CURRENT’
problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road…

ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth?’
That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that
chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other
side.

That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as
simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads,
but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% ………
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Monkey Business

Posted by admin     Category: Uncategorized

Isn’t it great to see that Congress has finally gotten its priorities in order? After addressing so many “pressing” issues, such as whether Roger Clemens used steroids when they weren’t against baseball’s rules, whether the Patriots stole football signs and how the college football national championship should be decided, our Washington brain trust is now fully engaged in an even more important issue: stopping interstate monkey trafficking. Apparently, the illegal primate trade has reached unprecedented proportions, so it’s about time Congress put an end to this monkey business.

That’s right. This week, the House passed the Captive Primate Safety Act, which “Amends the Lacey Act Amendments of 1981 to add nonhuman primates (i.e., monkeys, great apes, lemurs, etc…) to the definition of ‘prohibited wildlife species’ for purposes of the prohibition against the sale or purchase of such species in interstate or foreign commerce.” In layman’s terms, this bill would makes it illegal to monkey around with … monkeys.

The good news is that we can now scratch one of the biggest issues ever facing the nation off the list. The bad news is that we won’t be treated to the priceless scene of John McCain and Barack Obama debating who is more “pro-primate”. I’m sure PETA must be horsing around in glee now that an 800-pound gorilla has been lifted off its back.

Most amazing of all is that the Congress has shown, yet again, that it doesn’t have a clue why Americans despise it. Here’s a hint: when your actions make the nation a laughing stock and when you show a complete disregard for the real problems facing the country, you deserve to be despised.

Americans may not be able to articulate the minutiae of legislative initiatives, recite the legalese of trade policy or comprehend the complexities of extradition treaties, but they do know when they’re being taken for a ride. It is common sense to ask why our leaders haven’t tackled the tough issues in the past, and why they continue to run and duck now.

What has the Congress done to aggressively deal with the trafficking of drugs, weapons and people? Despite the decades of lip service and empty promises, why hasn’t a border wall been built to deter such trafficking? What has been done to strengthen the dollar, fire China as our nation’s banker and ensure the solubility of social security? And how can it be that the United States has the best health care in the world, yet millions of families are without coverage?

Perhaps most poignant, why does Congress time and again refuse to allow the drilling of oil within our grasp? Our petroleum resources from Alaska and the outer continental shelf would vastly surpass 20 years worth of oil we import from Saudi Arabia. Why can’t we exploit our shale deposits, which can potentially provide a century’s worth of energy needs? Why has no refinery been built since 1976? Where is the push for nuclear energy?

These are legitimate questions, considering that many analysts are projecting oil to exceed $200/barrel in the near future.

Taking a tough stand during difficult times is honorable, but if you’re a congressman, it’s also expected. If you can’t take the heat, it’s time to find another line of work. Hopefully this November, the voters will provide an early retirement to those who believe that monkey business is more important than the business of the people.

School — 1957 vs 2007

Posted by admin     Category: Common Sense

SCHOOL — 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school
parking lot
with shotgun in gun rack.
1957
– Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun,
goes to his car
and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007
– School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off
to
jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors
called in for
traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957
– Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and
end up
buddies.
2007 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and
Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started
it.

Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other
students.
1957
– Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the
Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.
2007 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a
zombie. Tested for
ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has
a
disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his
Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,
goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy
removed to foster
care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells
Billy’s sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to
prison. Billy’s
mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the
smoking dock.
2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug
violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to
college.
2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper
articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a
requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit
against state
school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English
banned from core
curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in
a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged
with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from
home,
computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror
watch list and is
never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his
knee. He is
found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to
comfort him.
1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on
playing.
2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses
her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of
therapy.

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