Husband and Wife Jokes

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a  woman:
 Before marriage and after marriage.
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 Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
 Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
 when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way
too qualified  for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've
been divorced three times.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were  used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation,
'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward
looked  into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,  my elderly neighbor and his wife were
told there would be a 45-minute wait for a  table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said .
'We may not have  45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is  that they would hate to have to make a
living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the  bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest  smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back  his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs  should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked,  'When you're in your casket, and friends
and congregation members are mourning  over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine  spiritual leader, 
and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a  wonderful teacher and servant of
God who made a huge difference in people's  lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close  enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a  million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife  isunfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to
Larry's bar and picks up men. In  fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,  exactly where is Larry's bar?'
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible  is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what  should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I  spoke to her
on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'

The Aisle Seat

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

The Aisle Seat


Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine. ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors… ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST!

Roll Tide

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

20% OF THE U. OF ALABAMA FOOTBALL TEAM HAS BEEN ARRESTED DURING THE PAST
YEAR AND THE JOKES ARE FLOWING OUT OF AUBURN .

PA-ROLE TIDE………………..Enjoy!

____________________________________________________
A lady in Tuscaloosa calls 911. Hysterically, she says, “Someone’s just
broke into my house, and I think he’s going to rob me!”
The police officer says, “We’re really busy at the moment. Just get the
guy’s jersey number and we’ll get back to you.”
___________________________________________________
Q: What is Nick Saban’s biggest concern?
A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?
_____________________________________________________
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Tuscaloosa ?
A: A huddle
___________________________________________________ __
Q: Four Bammer players in a car, who’s driving?
A: The police
_____________________________________________________
Q: Why can’t most of the Bammer players get into a huddle on the field?
A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.
_____________________________________________ _______
The Bammer team has adopted a new Honor System.
“Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor”.
_____________________________________________________
The Tide is expecting a 7-6 season this year.
7 Arrests, 6 convictions.
____________________________________________________
Q: How will the Tide spend the first week of Spring Training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights
______________________________________________________

English…Oh What a Crazy Language

Posted by admin     Category: Uncategorized
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it -English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

Why the Government is in the shape it’s in.

Posted by admin     Category: Common Sense, Politics

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, ‘I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.’ Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ‘Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.’ Her response – click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!’ (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ‘Is it possible to see England from Canada ?’ I said, ‘No.’ She said, ‘But they look so close on the map.’ (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, ‘I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.’ (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ‘Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?’ I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ She replied, ‘Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said ‘FAT’, and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!’ After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is ‘FAT’ (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ‘Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?’

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ‘How do I know which plane to get on?’ I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ‘I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.’

10. A lady Senator called and said, ‘I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?’ I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, ‘Yeah, whatever, smarty!’

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.’ I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ‘Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!’

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, ‘I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .’ I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ‘Are you sure that’s the name of the town?’ ‘Yes, what flights do you have?’ replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ‘I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.’ The lady retorted, ‘Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!’ So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ‘You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?’ The reply? ‘Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.’

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!