Husband and Wife Jokes

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a  woman:
 Before marriage and after marriage.
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 Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
 Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
 when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way
too qualified  for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've
been divorced three times.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were  used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation,
'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward
looked  into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,  my elderly neighbor and his wife were
told there would be a 45-minute wait for a  table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said .
'We may not have  45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is  that they would hate to have to make a
living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the  bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest  smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back  his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs  should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked,  'When you're in your casket, and friends
and congregation members are mourning  over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine  spiritual leader, 
and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a  wonderful teacher and servant of
God who made a huge difference in people's  lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close  enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a  million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife  isunfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to
Larry's bar and picks up men. In  fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,  exactly where is Larry's bar?'
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible  is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what  should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I  spoke to her
on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'

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