Obama’s Real Inauguration Speech

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Mr. President, Vice President Cheney, Vice President Biden, Senator Reid, Speaker Pelosi, Oprah, my fellow citizens.

I must first thank President Bush for his service to his cronies.  Remember that your final check is a live check and not the usual direct deposit. We’ll send it to your ranch in Crawfish or whatever it’s called.  Tell Cindy Sheehan I said “hi.”

To my fellow citizens, please excuse the homophobic Jesus freak who swore me in – I’m really trying to connect with the Palin voters out there, so you nancy boys and butchy girls are just going to have to deal with it until after the first cycle.  It’s important we don’t let Speaker Pelosi lose her majority.

We, as Americans face the greatest challenges in our history.  Do we bailout the Auto industry?  Do we continue to fight the war on terror on foreign soil?  Do we leave MySpace and join Facebook?  These are all questions I hope to answer in my time as your President.  You can trust that I will answer these questions and many more just like them by using the skilled patriots that make up my cabinet and the best polling money can buy.

I stand today before you not as a black President, or a white President.  I stand before you as whichever one makes you feel more comfortable.  I feel that I represent two of the largest races in America and pray that Tiger Woods never runs against me.  Oh yeah,  I hear Tiger is here!  Tiger if you need a ride back to your room at the Sofitel after this speech, let me know – I have a bitch’n helicopter now.

Growing up I wasn’t the best looking kid in class. In fact, I was tall and skinny with some of the biggest ears God ever put on a human.  I was teased a lot.  When I told my fifth grade class that I would be President one day, they laughed.  I still have a picture of that class – all of us standing in three little lines atop the stepped risers. The names at the bottom are clear and still legible after all these years.  I hope each of you enjoy being audited every year for at least the next four years.

Our foreign policy will be priority one from this day on.  I will send Secretary Clinton to the far ends of the earth to the most dangerous and disastrous places none to man hoping she won’t come back.  There’s no way I can sit here for four years looking over my shoulder to see what Hillary is up to.  Secretary Clinton’s husband, President Bill Clinton has been vital in advising me on her travel schedule.  He’s even agreed let her go solo to cut the costs of flying two people around the world, housing them and protecting them.  It’s Americans like President Clinton who are making the tough sacrifices to better this nation.

I must admit that even before I took the oath of office world leaders called to advise me on an array of topics.  North Korea’s Kim Jong Il called me as soon as he heard that I was looking for a dog.  I told him that we were looking for a puppy and he replied, “Why such a small dog for your first meal?”  I had a good laugh and he had to go because Putin was on the other line.  These are the ties that bind, my fellow Americans.

I will not rest until the education system if fixed in this nation.  We will have computers every classroom before I leave office.  I already know exactly what question is brewing in your young minds out there.  Are the kids going to get a Mac or a PC?  We don’t know yet, we’re still counting up the money to see whether it was Jobs or Gates who bundled the most cash for us.

I’m confident we can repair our relationship with the rest of the world now.  We’ve retrieved Madonna from the British and we’re working on keeping David Hasselhoff in the country.  Undoing the damage we’ve done will require to many countries with my wife. My mission in those countries may not be clear from time to time, but trust me we’ll be enjoying ourselves no matter what. It’s one thing to travel when you have lot of money, it’s another when you’re the most powerful man on earth.

I believe in strengthening our military.  We’re going to buy them several Nautilus machines and some dumbbells.  I will bring them home from their foreign assignments to be with their families.  And if they don’t have families to come home to – well that’s too bad because you’re still not going to qualify for a lot of foods stamps until you have a wife and six children.

Our economy has taken a beating in the last year and I do not intend to sit by and watch the American dream float away out of the grasp of Americans.  The credit crunch has hurt us all.  I’ve already pledged to loan your money to the credit card companies charging you 24 percent on the money you owe them.  Some people call tremendous revolving debt a bad thing. I say those people are traitors for damning the very unique way in which Americans conduct commerce.  We didn’t become who we are paying for things with worthless paper, my friends.  We got where we are using pretty plastic cards with our favorite college football team’s logo printed on them.

As for the auto industry, I couldn’t care less what happens to them.  They tell me that they may stop making cars all together.  I’m sure that’s better for the environment in the long run. Besides, what do I care? Like I said, I have a helicopter now.  Cars are for people who aren’t President.

To move this country forward we must stop spying on our own citizens.  I will not allow our freedoms to be stripped from us via executive order.  I will instead let Congress pass laws that strip you of your freedom.

We will end torture.  There will be no more water boarding, boogey boarding or skate boarding.  I will also execute Richard Simons in order to ensure Americans will never be tortured by his public appearances again.  We are a nation of laws and intend for those of you who didn’t give to my campaign to follow them.

I have only skimmed the surface of the things I want for this great nation.  In the coming months I will unveil a comprehensive plan for just about any problem you may have.  If you’re short, I’ll make you tall. If you can’t pay your mortgage, I’ll find someone who can.  If you get bombed by terrorists, I’ll call and ask them why.  I will leave no stone unturned in my quest to patronize you into a deep sleep for the next eight years.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your failing corporations and their CEOs.

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do to shut Hugo Chavez the hell up.

Thank you.

Oh, almost forgot – Rush, Hannity, O’Reilly and the entire Fox News network – you’ve got one week to get your affairs in order and report to Guantanamo.  Don’t make me come find you.

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