*To All My Valued Employees*, There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country. However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests. First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a Back Story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life. However, what you don't see is the BACK STORY : I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you. My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice. Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the discount store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, someday, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had. So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally=2 0check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom.. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... you never realize the Back Story and the sacrifices I've made. Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bailout all the people who didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for. Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds. Unfortunately, the cost of running20this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why: I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes.. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch. The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country. The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here.. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy. Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now. When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep. So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple. If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple.. I'll fire you and your coworkers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more. Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship. So, if you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about.... *Signed, THE BOSS*
Mr. President, Vice President Cheney, Vice President Biden, Senator Reid, Speaker Pelosi, Oprah, my fellow citizens.
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I must first thank President Bush for his service to his cronies. Remember that your final check is a live check and not the usual direct deposit. We’ll send it to your ranch in Crawfish or whatever it’s called. Tell Cindy Sheehan I said “hi.”
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To my fellow citizens, please excuse the homophobic Jesus freak who swore me in – I’m really trying to connect with the Palin voters out there, so you nancy boys and butchy girls are just going to have to deal with it until after the first cycle. It’s important we don’t let Speaker Pelosi lose her majority.
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We, as Americans face the greatest challenges in our history. Do we bailout the Auto industry? Do we continue to fight the war on terror on foreign soil? Do we leave MySpace and join Facebook? These are all questions I hope to answer in my time as your President. You can trust that I will answer these questions and many more just like them by using the skilled patriots that make up my cabinet and the best polling money can buy.
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I stand today before you not as a black President, or a white President. I stand before you as whichever one makes you feel more comfortable. I feel that I represent two of the largest races in America and pray that Tiger Woods never runs against me. Oh yeah, I hear Tiger is here! Tiger if you need a ride back to your room at the Sofitel after this speech, let me know – I have a bitch’n helicopter now.
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Growing up I wasn’t the best looking kid in class. In fact, I was tall and skinny with some of the biggest ears God ever put on a human. I was teased a lot. When I told my fifth grade class that I would be President one day, they laughed. I still have a picture of that class – all of us standing in three little lines atop the stepped risers. The names at the bottom are clear and still legible after all these years. I hope each of you enjoy being audited every year for at least the next four years.
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Our foreign policy will be priority one from this day on. I will send Secretary Clinton to the far ends of the earth to the most dangerous and disastrous places none to man hoping she won’t come back. There’s no way I can sit here for four years looking over my shoulder to see what Hillary is up to. Secretary Clinton’s husband, President Bill Clinton has been vital in advising me on her travel schedule. He’s even agreed let her go solo to cut the costs of flying two people around the world, housing them and protecting them. It’s Americans like President Clinton who are making the tough sacrifices to better this nation.
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I must admit that even before I took the oath of office world leaders called to advise me on an array of topics. North Korea’s Kim Jong Il called me as soon as he heard that I was looking for a dog. I told him that we were looking for a puppy and he replied, “Why such a small dog for your first meal?” I had a good laugh and he had to go because Putin was on the other line. These are the ties that bind, my fellow Americans.
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I will not rest until the education system if fixed in this nation. We will have computers every classroom before I leave office. I already know exactly what question is brewing in your young minds out there. Are the kids going to get a Mac or a PC? We don’t know yet, we’re still counting up the money to see whether it was Jobs or Gates who bundled the most cash for us.
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I’m confident we can repair our relationship with the rest of the world now. We’ve retrieved Madonna from the British and we’re working on keeping David Hasselhoff in the country. Undoing the damage we’ve done will require to many countries with my wife. My mission in those countries may not be clear from time to time, but trust me we’ll be enjoying ourselves no matter what. It’s one thing to travel when you have lot of money, it’s another when you’re the most powerful man on earth.
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I believe in strengthening our military. We’re going to buy them several Nautilus machines and some dumbbells. I will bring them home from their foreign assignments to be with their families. And if they don’t have families to come home to – well that’s too bad because you’re still not going to qualify for a lot of foods stamps until you have a wife and six children.
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Our economy has taken a beating in the last year and I do not intend to sit by and watch the American dream float away out of the grasp of Americans. The credit crunch has hurt us all. I’ve already pledged to loan your money to the credit card companies charging you 24 percent on the money you owe them. Some people call tremendous revolving debt a bad thing. I say those people are traitors for damning the very unique way in which Americans conduct commerce. We didn’t become who we are paying for things with worthless paper, my friends. We got where we are using pretty plastic cards with our favorite college football team’s logo printed on them.
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As for the auto industry, I couldn’t care less what happens to them. They tell me that they may stop making cars all together. I’m sure that’s better for the environment in the long run. Besides, what do I care? Like I said, I have a helicopter now. Cars are for people who aren’t President.
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To move this country forward we must stop spying on our own citizens. I will not allow our freedoms to be stripped from us via executive order. I will instead let Congress pass laws that strip you of your freedom.
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We will end torture. There will be no more water boarding, boogey boarding or skate boarding. I will also execute Richard Simons in order to ensure Americans will never be tortured by his public appearances again. We are a nation of laws and intend for those of you who didn’t give to my campaign to follow them.
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I have only skimmed the surface of the things I want for this great nation. In the coming months I will unveil a comprehensive plan for just about any problem you may have. If you’re short, I’ll make you tall. If you can’t pay your mortgage, I’ll find someone who can. If you get bombed by terrorists, I’ll call and ask them why. I will leave no stone unturned in my quest to patronize you into a deep sleep for the next eight years.
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And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your failing corporations and their CEOs.
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My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do to shut Hugo Chavez the hell up.
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Thank you.
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Oh, almost forgot – Rush, Hannity, O’Reilly and the entire Fox News network – you’ve got one week to get your affairs in order and report to Guantanamo. Don’t make me come find you.