Politically Incorrect Jokes

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Lakeland, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A friend of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, “How can you tell them apart?” He said, “Her brother has a mustache”

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk …  “I hope the  porn channel in my room is disabled.”  To which she replied, “No, it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods inPakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it’sAfrica

Redneck Security System

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s
used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy
of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big’un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.
Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls – they
attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard
to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four
of ’em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

How to give a cat a pill

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.

Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.

Death Star Canteen

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes, Uncategorized

How the Fight Started

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes, Uncategorized

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the
gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started….

************************************************** **********************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel
Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And that’s how the fight started…..

************************************************** **********************

I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started….

************************************************** **********************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
In bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s when the fight started….

************************************************** **********************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started……

************************************************** *******************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…..

************************************************** **********************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
The channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…

================================================== ============

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…

================================================== ============

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
Her someplace expensive….
So, I took her to a gas station…
And then the fight started…

================================================== ============

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
Reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
She sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend…
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a
Person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…

================================================== =========

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little

Things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…

================================================== ============

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf ‘
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp

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