Heads Up Guys (and Gals)

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

Black Testicles

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical

procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a

partial sponge bath.

Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my

testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know,

Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles


black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry

about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment

and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and

his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them

around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s

nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and

says very slowly,

‘Thank you very much.. That was wonderful, but listen

very, very closely…….

‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – back?

Obama’s Real Inauguration Speech

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes, Uncategorized

Mr. President, Vice President Cheney, Vice President Biden, Senator Reid, Speaker Pelosi, Oprah, my fellow citizens.

I must first thank President Bush for his service to his cronies.  Remember that your final check is a live check and not the usual direct deposit. We’ll send it to your ranch in Crawfish or whatever it’s called.  Tell Cindy Sheehan I said “hi.”

To my fellow citizens, please excuse the homophobic Jesus freak who swore me in – I’m really trying to connect with the Palin voters out there, so you nancy boys and butchy girls are just going to have to deal with it until after the first cycle.  It’s important we don’t let Speaker Pelosi lose her majority.

We, as Americans face the greatest challenges in our history.  Do we bailout the Auto industry?  Do we continue to fight the war on terror on foreign soil?  Do we leave MySpace and join Facebook?  These are all questions I hope to answer in my time as your President.  You can trust that I will answer these questions and many more just like them by using the skilled patriots that make up my cabinet and the best polling money can buy.

I stand today before you not as a black President, or a white President.  I stand before you as whichever one makes you feel more comfortable.  I feel that I represent two of the largest races in America and pray that Tiger Woods never runs against me.  Oh yeah,  I hear Tiger is here!  Tiger if you need a ride back to your room at the Sofitel after this speech, let me know – I have a bitch’n helicopter now.

Growing up I wasn’t the best looking kid in class. In fact, I was tall and skinny with some of the biggest ears God ever put on a human.  I was teased a lot.  When I told my fifth grade class that I would be President one day, they laughed.  I still have a picture of that class – all of us standing in three little lines atop the stepped risers. The names at the bottom are clear and still legible after all these years.  I hope each of you enjoy being audited every year for at least the next four years.

Our foreign policy will be priority one from this day on.  I will send Secretary Clinton to the far ends of the earth to the most dangerous and disastrous places none to man hoping she won’t come back.  There’s no way I can sit here for four years looking over my shoulder to see what Hillary is up to.  Secretary Clinton’s husband, President Bill Clinton has been vital in advising me on her travel schedule.  He’s even agreed let her go solo to cut the costs of flying two people around the world, housing them and protecting them.  It’s Americans like President Clinton who are making the tough sacrifices to better this nation.

I must admit that even before I took the oath of office world leaders called to advise me on an array of topics.  North Korea’s Kim Jong Il called me as soon as he heard that I was looking for a dog.  I told him that we were looking for a puppy and he replied, “Why such a small dog for your first meal?”  I had a good laugh and he had to go because Putin was on the other line.  These are the ties that bind, my fellow Americans.

I will not rest until the education system if fixed in this nation.  We will have computers every classroom before I leave office.  I already know exactly what question is brewing in your young minds out there.  Are the kids going to get a Mac or a PC?  We don’t know yet, we’re still counting up the money to see whether it was Jobs or Gates who bundled the most cash for us.

I’m confident we can repair our relationship with the rest of the world now.  We’ve retrieved Madonna from the British and we’re working on keeping David Hasselhoff in the country.  Undoing the damage we’ve done will require to many countries with my wife. My mission in those countries may not be clear from time to time, but trust me we’ll be enjoying ourselves no matter what. It’s one thing to travel when you have lot of money, it’s another when you’re the most powerful man on earth.

I believe in strengthening our military.  We’re going to buy them several Nautilus machines and some dumbbells.  I will bring them home from their foreign assignments to be with their families.  And if they don’t have families to come home to – well that’s too bad because you’re still not going to qualify for a lot of foods stamps until you have a wife and six children.

Our economy has taken a beating in the last year and I do not intend to sit by and watch the American dream float away out of the grasp of Americans.  The credit crunch has hurt us all.  I’ve already pledged to loan your money to the credit card companies charging you 24 percent on the money you owe them.  Some people call tremendous revolving debt a bad thing. I say those people are traitors for damning the very unique way in which Americans conduct commerce.  We didn’t become who we are paying for things with worthless paper, my friends.  We got where we are using pretty plastic cards with our favorite college football team’s logo printed on them.

As for the auto industry, I couldn’t care less what happens to them.  They tell me that they may stop making cars all together.  I’m sure that’s better for the environment in the long run. Besides, what do I care? Like I said, I have a helicopter now.  Cars are for people who aren’t President.

To move this country forward we must stop spying on our own citizens.  I will not allow our freedoms to be stripped from us via executive order.  I will instead let Congress pass laws that strip you of your freedom.

We will end torture.  There will be no more water boarding, boogey boarding or skate boarding.  I will also execute Richard Simons in order to ensure Americans will never be tortured by his public appearances again.  We are a nation of laws and intend for those of you who didn’t give to my campaign to follow them.

I have only skimmed the surface of the things I want for this great nation.  In the coming months I will unveil a comprehensive plan for just about any problem you may have.  If you’re short, I’ll make you tall. If you can’t pay your mortgage, I’ll find someone who can.  If you get bombed by terrorists, I’ll call and ask them why.  I will leave no stone unturned in my quest to patronize you into a deep sleep for the next eight years.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your failing corporations and their CEOs.

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do to shut Hugo Chavez the hell up.

Thank you.

Oh, almost forgot – Rush, Hannity, O’Reilly and the entire Fox News network – you’ve got one week to get your affairs in order and report to Guantanamo.  Don’t make me come find you.

Things We Learned from the Movies

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

13. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.

15. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)

17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

How’s it Work?

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and 

announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. 

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out 

to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, 

they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

 

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This 

renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching 

monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they 

were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their 

farms and forgot about monkey catching.

 

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys 

became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much 

less catch one.

 

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, 

since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would 

now buy on his behalf.

 

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers…’Look at 

all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will 

sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, 

you can sell them to him for $50 each.’

 

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the 

monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once 

again there were monkeys everywhere.

 

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Pages: Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Next