John Hinckley to be released…

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes, Politics
John Hinckley to be released…

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley , reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley

From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country’s new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain
PS: Barack Obama has been having sex with Jodie Foster. Thought you should know.

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: ‘Hold On, Please…’

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s ‘beep-beep-beep’ tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a ‘real’ sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get ‘ads’ enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these ‘ads’ with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away..

When you get those ‘pre-approved’ letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 41 cents postage ‘IF’ and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney’s (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn’t on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let’s let them know what it’s like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they’re paying for it…Twice!

Let’s help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that’s why they need to increase postage costs again You get the idea !

Watch out for bears

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

Warning Signs for Bears

Husband and Wife Jokes

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a  woman:
 Before marriage and after marriage.
 ----------------------------------------------------
 Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
 Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
 when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way
too qualified  for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've
been divorced three times.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were  used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation,
'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward
looked  into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,  my elderly neighbor and his wife were
told there would be a 45-minute wait for a  table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said .
'We may not have  45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is  that they would hate to have to make a
living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the  bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest  smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back  his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs  should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked,  'When you're in your casket, and friends
and congregation members are mourning  over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine  spiritual leader, 
and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a  wonderful teacher and servant of
God who made a huge difference in people's  lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
-------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close  enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a  million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife  isunfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to
Larry's bar and picks up men. In  fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,  exactly where is Larry's bar?'
-------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
-----------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible  is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what  should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I  spoke to her
on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'

The Aisle Seat

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

The Aisle Seat


Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine. ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors… ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST!

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