You Are Kidding!!!

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the
gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started….

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel
Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And that’s how the fight started…..

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I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started….

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
In bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s when the fight started….

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started……

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…..

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
The channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
Her someplace expensive….
So, I took her to a gas station…
And then the fight started…

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
Reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
She sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend…
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a
Person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…

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I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little

Things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…

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THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf ‘
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp

IDIOT SIGHTING :

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two..’ ;

We haven’t used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.’ She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but they could not do tha t kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded,

‘That’s why we ask.’

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing.’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already got that side.’

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us… and the scary part is that they VOTE and

They Reproduce.

Mr. President, Vice President Cheney, Vice President Biden, Senator Reid, Speaker Pelosi, Oprah, my fellow citizens.

…

I must first thank President Bush for his service to his cronies.  Remember that your final check is a live check and not the usual direct deposit. We’ll send it to your ranch in Crawfish or whatever it’s called.  Tell Cindy Sheehan I said “hi.”

…

To my fellow citizens, please excuse the homophobic Jesus freak who swore me in – I’m really trying to connect with the Palin voters out there, so you nancy boys and butchy girls are just going to have to deal with it until after the first cycle.  It’s important we don’t let Speaker Pelosi lose her majority.

…

We, as Americans face the greatest challenges in our history.  Do we bailout the Auto industry?  Do we continue to fight the war on terror on foreign soil?  Do we leave MySpace and join Facebook?  These are all questions I hope to answer in my time as your President.  You can trust that I will answer these questions and many more just like them by using the skilled patriots that make up my cabinet and the best polling money can buy.

…

I stand today before you not as a black President, or a white President.  I stand before you as whichever one makes you feel more comfortable.  I feel that I represent two of the largest races in America and pray that Tiger Woods never runs against me.  Oh yeah,  I hear Tiger is here!  Tiger if you need a ride back to your room at the Sofitel after this speech, let me know – I have a bitch’n helicopter now.

…

Growing up I wasn’t the best looking kid in class. In fact, I was tall and skinny with some of the biggest ears God ever put on a human.  I was teased a lot.  When I told my fifth grade class that I would be President one day, they laughed.  I still have a picture of that class - all of us standing in three little lines atop the stepped risers. The names at the bottom are clear and still legible after all these years.  I hope each of you enjoy being audited every year for at least the next four years.

…

Our foreign policy will be priority one from this day on.  I will send Secretary Clinton to the far ends of the earth to the most dangerous and disastrous places none to man hoping she won’t come back.  There’s no way I can sit here for four years looking over my shoulder to see what Hillary is up to.  Secretary Clinton’s husband, President Bill Clinton has been vital in advising me on her travel schedule.  He’s even agreed let her go solo to cut the costs of flying two people around the world, housing them and protecting them.  It’s Americans like President Clinton who are making the tough sacrifices to better this nation.

…

I must admit that even before I took the oath of office world leaders called to advise me on an array of topics.  North Korea’s Kim Jong Il called me as soon as he heard that I was looking for a dog.  I told him that we were looking for a puppy and he replied, “Why such a small dog for your first meal?”  I had a good laugh and he had to go because Putin was on the other line.  These are the ties that bind, my fellow Americans.

…

I will not rest until the education system if fixed in this nation.  We will have computers every classroom before I leave office.  I already know exactly what question is brewing in your young minds out there.  Are the kids going to get a Mac or a PC?  We don’t know yet, we’re still counting up the money to see whether it was Jobs or Gates who bundled the most cash for us.

…

I’m confident we can repair our relationship with the rest of the world now.  We’ve retrieved Madonna from the British and we’re working on keeping David Hasselhoff in the country.  Undoing the damage we’ve done will require to many countries with my wife. My mission in those countries may not be clear from time to time, but trust me we’ll be enjoying ourselves no matter what. It’s one thing to travel when you have lot of money, it’s another when you’re the most powerful man on earth.

…

I believe in strengthening our military.  We’re going to buy them several Nautilus machines and some dumbbells.  I will bring them home from their foreign assignments to be with their families.  And if they don’t have families to come home to – well that’s too bad because you’re still not going to qualify for a lot of foods stamps until you have a wife and six children.

…

Our economy has taken a beating in the last year and I do not intend to sit by and watch the American dream float away out of the grasp of Americans.  The credit crunch has hurt us all.  I’ve already pledged to loan your money to the credit card companies charging you 24 percent on the money you owe them.  Some people call tremendous revolving debt a bad thing. I say those people are traitors for damning the very unique way in which Americans conduct commerce.  We didn’t become who we are paying for things with worthless paper, my friends.  We got where we are using pretty plastic cards with our favorite college football team’s logo printed on them.

…

As for the auto industry, I couldn’t care less what happens to them.  They tell me that they may stop making cars all together.  I’m sure that’s better for the environment in the long run. Besides, what do I care? Like I said, I have a helicopter now.  Cars are for people who aren’t President.

…

To move this country forward we must stop spying on our own citizens.  I will not allow our freedoms to be stripped from us via executive order.  I will instead let Congress pass laws that strip you of your freedom.

…

We will end torture.  There will be no more water boarding, boogey boarding or skate boarding.  I will also execute Richard Simons in order to ensure Americans will never be tortured by his public appearances again.  We are a nation of laws and intend for those of you who didn’t give to my campaign to follow them.

…

I have only skimmed the surface of the things I want for this great nation.  In the coming months I will unveil a comprehensive plan for just about any problem you may have.  If you’re short, I’ll make you tall. If you can’t pay your mortgage, I’ll find someone who can.  If you get bombed by terrorists, I’ll call and ask them why.  I will leave no stone unturned in my quest to patronize you into a deep sleep for the next eight years.

…

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your failing corporations and their CEOs.

…

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do to shut Hugo Chavez the hell up.

…

Thank you.

…

Oh, almost forgot – Rush, Hannity, O’Reilly and the entire Fox News network – you’ve got one week to get your affairs in order and report to Guantanamo.  Don’t make me come find you.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you Passed Gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm last’s 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy. I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

(Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Isn’t it great to see that Congress has finally gotten its priorities in order? After addressing so many “pressing” issues, such as whether Roger Clemens used steroids when they weren’t against baseball’s rules, whether the Patriots stole football signs and how the college football national championship should be decided, our Washington brain trust is now fully engaged in an even more important issue: stopping interstate monkey trafficking. Apparently, the illegal primate trade has reached unprecedented proportions, so it’s about time Congress put an end to this monkey business.

That’s right. This week, the House passed the Captive Primate Safety Act, which “Amends the Lacey Act Amendments of 1981 to add nonhuman primates (i.e., monkeys, great apes, lemurs, etc…) to the definition of ‘prohibited wildlife species’ for purposes of the prohibition against the sale or purchase of such species in interstate or foreign commerce.” In layman’s terms, this bill would makes it illegal to monkey around with … monkeys.

The good news is that we can now scratch one of the biggest issues ever facing the nation off the list. The bad news is that we won’t be treated to the priceless scene of John McCain and Barack Obama debating who is more “pro-primate”. I’m sure PETA must be horsing around in glee now that an 800-pound gorilla has been lifted off its back.

Most amazing of all is that the Congress has shown, yet again, that it doesn’t have a clue why Americans despise it. Here’s a hint: when your actions make the nation a laughing stock and when you show a complete disregard for the real problems facing the country, you deserve to be despised.

Americans may not be able to articulate the minutiae of legislative initiatives, recite the legalese of trade policy or comprehend the complexities of extradition treaties, but they do know when they’re being taken for a ride. It is common sense to ask why our leaders haven’t tackled the tough issues in the past, and why they continue to run and duck now.

What has the Congress done to aggressively deal with the trafficking of drugs, weapons and people? Despite the decades of lip service and empty promises, why hasn’t a border wall been built to deter such trafficking? What has been done to strengthen the dollar, fire China as our nation’s banker and ensure the solubility of social security? And how can it be that the United States has the best health care in the world, yet millions of families are without coverage?

Perhaps most poignant, why does Congress time and again refuse to allow the drilling of oil within our grasp? Our petroleum resources from Alaska and the outer continental shelf would vastly surpass 20 years worth of oil we import from Saudi Arabia. Why can’t we exploit our shale deposits, which can potentially provide a century’s worth of energy needs? Why has no refinery been built since 1976? Where is the push for nuclear energy?

These are legitimate questions, considering that many analysts are projecting oil to exceed $200/barrel in the near future.

Taking a tough stand during difficult times is honorable, but if you’re a congressman, it’s also expected. If you can’t take the heat, it’s time to find another line of work. Hopefully this November, the voters will provide an early retirement to those who believe that monkey business is more important than the business of the people.