You Are Kidding!!!

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, ‘I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.’ Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ‘Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.’ Her response – click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!’ (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ‘Is it possible to see England from Canada ?’ I said, ‘No.’ She said, ‘But they look so close on the map.’ (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, ‘I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.’ (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ‘Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?’ I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ She replied, ‘Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said ‘FAT’, and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!’ After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is ‘FAT’ (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ‘Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?’

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ‘How do I know which plane to get on?’ I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ‘I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.’

10. A lady Senator called and said, ‘I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?’ I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, ‘Yeah, whatever, smarty!’

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.’ I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ‘Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!’

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, ‘I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .’ I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ‘Are you sure that’s the name of the town?’ ‘Yes, what flights do you have?’ replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ‘I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.’ The lady retorted, ‘Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!’ So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ‘You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?’ The reply? ‘Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.’

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!

SCHOOL — 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school
parking lot
with shotgun in gun rack.
1957
- Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun,
goes to his car
and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007
- School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off
to
jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors
called in for
traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957
- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and
end up
buddies.
2007 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and
Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started
it.

Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other
students.
1957
- Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the
Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.
2007 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a
zombie. Tested for
ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has
a
disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his
Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,
goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy
removed to foster
care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells
Billy’s sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to
prison. Billy’s
mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the
smoking dock.
2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug
violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to
college.
2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper
articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a
requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit
against state
school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English
banned from core
curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in
a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged
with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from
home,
computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror
watch list and is
never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his
knee. He is
found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to
comfort him.
1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on
playing.
2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses
her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of
therapy.

TOP 8 MORONS

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”


3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “that’s not what I said!”.

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart”. “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”



7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!