You Are Kidding!!!

Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical

procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a

partial sponge bath.

Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my

testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know,

Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles


black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry

about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment

and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and

his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them

around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s

nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and

says very slowly,

‘Thank you very much.. That was wonderful, but listen

very, very closely…….

‘ A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?

IDIOT SIGHTING :

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two..’ ;

We haven’t used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.’ She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but they could not do tha t kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded,

‘That’s why we ask.’

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing.’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already got that side.’

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us… and the scary part is that they VOTE and

They Reproduce.

 The piece below was written by Ron Gomez from Lafayette, LA. If you
don’t know Ron, he’s had a long and distinguished career in Lafayette,
LA, where he’s been a journalist, a radio and TV announcer, a 3 term
Louisiana state representative, a huge supporter of USL-ULL, an owner
of an advertising and public relations firm, and a published author.

IF THIS IS NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA, DELETE IT. IF IT IS, LET’S GET WITH
IT!!!!!

There’s a storm abrewin’. What happens when good,
responsible people keep quiet? Washington has forgotten they work
for us. We don’t work for them. Throwing good money after bad is
NOT the answer. I am sick of the midnight, closed door sessions to
come up with a plan. I am sick of Congress raking CEO’s over the
coals while they, themselves, have defaulted on their taxes. I am
sick of the bailed out companies having lavish vacations and
retreats on my dollar. I am sick of being told it is MY
responsibility to rescue people that, knowingly, bought more house
than they could afford. I am sick of being made to feel it is my
patriotic duty to pay MORE taxes. I, like all of you, am a
responsible citizen. I pay my taxes. I live on a budget and I
don’t ask someone else to carry the burden for poor decisions I may
make. I have emailed my congressmen and senators asking them to NOT
vote for the stimulus package as it was written without reading it
first. No one listened. They voted for it, pork and all.

O.K. folks, here it is. You may think you are just one voice and
what you think won’t make a difference. Well, yes it will and YES,
WE CAN!! If you are disgusted and angry with the way Washington is
handling our taxes. If you are fearful of the fallout from the
reckless spending of BILLIONS to bailout and “stimulate” without
accountability and responsibility then we need to become ONE, LOUD
VOICE THAT CAN BE HEARD FROM EVERY CITY, TOWN, SUBURB AND HOME IN
AMERICA. There is a growing protest to demand that Congress, the
President and his cabinet LISTEN to us, the American Citizens. What
is being done in Washington is NOT the way to handle the economic
free fall..

So, here’s the plan. On April 1, 2009, all Americans are asked to
send a TEABAG to Washington , D.C. You do not have to enclose a
note or any other information unless you so desire. Just a
TEABAG. Many cities are organizing protests. If you simply
search, “New American Tea Party”, several sites will come up. If
you aren’t the ‘protester’ type, simply make your one voice heard
with a TEABAG. Your one voice will become a roar when joined with
millions of others that feel the same way.. Yes, something needs to
be done but the lack of confidence as shown by the steady decline in
the stock market speaks volumes.

This was not my idea. I visited the sites of the ‘New American Tea
Party’ and an online survey showed over 90% of thousands said they
would send the teabag on April 1. Why, April 1?? We want them to
reach Washington by April 15. Will you do it? I will. Send it to:

President Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington , D.C.. 20500

Forward this to everyone in your address book. I
would encourage everyone to go ahead and get the envelope ready to
mail, then just drop it in the mail April 1. Can’t guarantee what
the postage will be by then, it is going up as we speak, but have
your envelope ready. What will this cost you? A little time and a
42 or 44 cent stamp.

What could you receive in benefits? Maybe, just maybe, our elected
officials will start to listen to the people. Take out the Pork.
Tell us how the money is being spent. We want TRANSPARENCY AND
ACCOUNTABILITY. Remember, the money will be spent over the next 4-5
years. It is not too late.

What can we Lose???????

Ron Gomez, Lafayette, LA

*To All My Valued Employees*,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of
this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy
has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the
good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What
does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in
this country.

However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help
you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against
employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is
a Back Story.  This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by
what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside.
You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party.  I'm sure all
these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my
life.

However, what you don't see is the BACK STORY :

I started this company 28 years ago.  At that time, I lived in a 300
square foot studio apartment for 3 years.  My entire living apartment
was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into
building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent
went back into this company.  I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a
defective transmission.  I didn't have time to date.  Often times, I
stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and
partying.  In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work,
discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs.  They worked 40 hours a week and made a
modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned.  They drove flashy
cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes.
Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I
was trolling through the discount store extracting any clothing item
that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's.  My friends refinanced
their mortgages and lived a life of luxury.  I, however, did not.  I put
my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that
eventually, someday, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my
friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally=2 0check
in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off"
button for me.  When you leave the office, you are done and you have a
weekend all to yourself.  I unfortunately do not have the freedom..  I
eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day.  There is no
rest. There is no weekend.  There is no happy hour.  Every day this
business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child.
You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house,
the Mercedes, the vacations... you never realize the Back Story and the
sacrifices I've made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right
decisions and saved his money, have to bailout all the people who
didn't.  The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel
entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of
my life for.

Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I've paid is
steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running20this business, and employing you, is
starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell
you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough.
I have state taxes. Federal taxes.  Property taxes.  Sales and use
taxes..  Payroll taxes.  Workers compensation taxes.  Unemployment
taxes.  Taxes on taxes.  I have to hire a tax man to manage all these
taxes and then guess what?  I have to pay taxes for employing him.
Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes
with it, now occupy most of my time.  On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to
the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes.  You know what my
"stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy?  Me, the
guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over
2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business?  Or, the single
mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her
next welfare check?  Obviously, government feels the latter is the
economic stimulus of this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit
and you wouldn't work here..  I mean, why should you?  That's nuts.  Who
wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work?  Well, I agree which
is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy
you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government
mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what?  Instead of
depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have
spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic
growth.  My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in
the form of promotions and better salaries.  But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't
defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to
life, do you?  Or, do you defibrillate his heart?  Business is at the
heart of America and always has been.  To restart it, you must stimulate
it, not kill it.  Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the
poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic
engine.  Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of
change you can keep.

So where am I going with all this?

It's quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be
swift and simple.. I'll fire you and your coworkers.  You can then plead
with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's
future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.

Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and
retire.  You see, I'm done.  I'm done with a country that penalizes the
productive and gives to the unproductive.  My motivation to work and to
provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

So, if you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it
will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this
country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its
landscape forever.  If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach,
retired, and with no employees to worry about....

*Signed, THE BOSS*

Mr. President, Vice President Cheney, Vice President Biden, Senator Reid, Speaker Pelosi, Oprah, my fellow citizens.

…

I must first thank President Bush for his service to his cronies.  Remember that your final check is a live check and not the usual direct deposit. We’ll send it to your ranch in Crawfish or whatever it’s called.  Tell Cindy Sheehan I said “hi.”

…

To my fellow citizens, please excuse the homophobic Jesus freak who swore me in – I’m really trying to connect with the Palin voters out there, so you nancy boys and butchy girls are just going to have to deal with it until after the first cycle.  It’s important we don’t let Speaker Pelosi lose her majority.

…

We, as Americans face the greatest challenges in our history.  Do we bailout the Auto industry?  Do we continue to fight the war on terror on foreign soil?  Do we leave MySpace and join Facebook?  These are all questions I hope to answer in my time as your President.  You can trust that I will answer these questions and many more just like them by using the skilled patriots that make up my cabinet and the best polling money can buy.

…

I stand today before you not as a black President, or a white President.  I stand before you as whichever one makes you feel more comfortable.  I feel that I represent two of the largest races in America and pray that Tiger Woods never runs against me.  Oh yeah,  I hear Tiger is here!  Tiger if you need a ride back to your room at the Sofitel after this speech, let me know – I have a bitch’n helicopter now.

…

Growing up I wasn’t the best looking kid in class. In fact, I was tall and skinny with some of the biggest ears God ever put on a human.  I was teased a lot.  When I told my fifth grade class that I would be President one day, they laughed.  I still have a picture of that class - all of us standing in three little lines atop the stepped risers. The names at the bottom are clear and still legible after all these years.  I hope each of you enjoy being audited every year for at least the next four years.

…

Our foreign policy will be priority one from this day on.  I will send Secretary Clinton to the far ends of the earth to the most dangerous and disastrous places none to man hoping she won’t come back.  There’s no way I can sit here for four years looking over my shoulder to see what Hillary is up to.  Secretary Clinton’s husband, President Bill Clinton has been vital in advising me on her travel schedule.  He’s even agreed let her go solo to cut the costs of flying two people around the world, housing them and protecting them.  It’s Americans like President Clinton who are making the tough sacrifices to better this nation.

…

I must admit that even before I took the oath of office world leaders called to advise me on an array of topics.  North Korea’s Kim Jong Il called me as soon as he heard that I was looking for a dog.  I told him that we were looking for a puppy and he replied, “Why such a small dog for your first meal?”  I had a good laugh and he had to go because Putin was on the other line.  These are the ties that bind, my fellow Americans.

…

I will not rest until the education system if fixed in this nation.  We will have computers every classroom before I leave office.  I already know exactly what question is brewing in your young minds out there.  Are the kids going to get a Mac or a PC?  We don’t know yet, we’re still counting up the money to see whether it was Jobs or Gates who bundled the most cash for us.

…

I’m confident we can repair our relationship with the rest of the world now.  We’ve retrieved Madonna from the British and we’re working on keeping David Hasselhoff in the country.  Undoing the damage we’ve done will require to many countries with my wife. My mission in those countries may not be clear from time to time, but trust me we’ll be enjoying ourselves no matter what. It’s one thing to travel when you have lot of money, it’s another when you’re the most powerful man on earth.

…

I believe in strengthening our military.  We’re going to buy them several Nautilus machines and some dumbbells.  I will bring them home from their foreign assignments to be with their families.  And if they don’t have families to come home to – well that’s too bad because you’re still not going to qualify for a lot of foods stamps until you have a wife and six children.

…

Our economy has taken a beating in the last year and I do not intend to sit by and watch the American dream float away out of the grasp of Americans.  The credit crunch has hurt us all.  I’ve already pledged to loan your money to the credit card companies charging you 24 percent on the money you owe them.  Some people call tremendous revolving debt a bad thing. I say those people are traitors for damning the very unique way in which Americans conduct commerce.  We didn’t become who we are paying for things with worthless paper, my friends.  We got where we are using pretty plastic cards with our favorite college football team’s logo printed on them.

…

As for the auto industry, I couldn’t care less what happens to them.  They tell me that they may stop making cars all together.  I’m sure that’s better for the environment in the long run. Besides, what do I care? Like I said, I have a helicopter now.  Cars are for people who aren’t President.

…

To move this country forward we must stop spying on our own citizens.  I will not allow our freedoms to be stripped from us via executive order.  I will instead let Congress pass laws that strip you of your freedom.

…

We will end torture.  There will be no more water boarding, boogey boarding or skate boarding.  I will also execute Richard Simons in order to ensure Americans will never be tortured by his public appearances again.  We are a nation of laws and intend for those of you who didn’t give to my campaign to follow them.

…

I have only skimmed the surface of the things I want for this great nation.  In the coming months I will unveil a comprehensive plan for just about any problem you may have.  If you’re short, I’ll make you tall. If you can’t pay your mortgage, I’ll find someone who can.  If you get bombed by terrorists, I’ll call and ask them why.  I will leave no stone unturned in my quest to patronize you into a deep sleep for the next eight years.

…

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your failing corporations and their CEOs.

…

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do to shut Hugo Chavez the hell up.

…

Thank you.

…

Oh, almost forgot – Rush, Hannity, O’Reilly and the entire Fox News network – you’ve got one week to get your affairs in order and report to Guantanamo.  Don’t make me come find you.

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

13. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.

15. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)

17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and 

announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. 

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out 

to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, 

they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

 

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This 

renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching 

monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they 

were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their 

farms and forgot about monkey catching.

 

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys 

became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much 

less catch one.

 

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, 

since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would 

now buy on his behalf.

 

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers…’Look at 

all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will 

sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, 

you can sell them to him for $50 each.’

 

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the 

monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once 

again there were monkeys everywhere.

 

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Luke AFB is west of Phoenix and is rapidly being surrounded by civilization that complains about the noise from the base and its planes, forgetting that it was there long before they were. A certain lieutenant colonel at Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back. Apparently, an individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the local paper complaining about a group of F-16s that disturbed his/her day at the mall.

When that individual read the response from a Luke AFB officer, it must Have st ung quite a bit.

The complaint:
‘Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base:

Any response would be appreciated.

The response:

Regarding ‘A wake-up call from Luke’s jets’ On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four- ship fly by of F-16s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques. Capt Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day.

USAF