Roll Tide

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

20% OF THE U. OF ALABAMA FOOTBALL TEAM HAS BEEN ARRESTED DURING THE PAST
YEAR AND THE JOKES ARE FLOWING OUT OF AUBURN .

PA-ROLE TIDE………………..Enjoy!

____________________________________________________
A lady in Tuscaloosa calls 911. Hysterically, she says, “Someone’s just
broke into my house, and I think he’s going to rob me!”
The police officer says, “We’re really busy at the moment. Just get the
guy’s jersey number and we’ll get back to you.”
___________________________________________________
Q: What is Nick Saban’s biggest concern?
A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?
_____________________________________________________
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Tuscaloosa ?
A: A huddle
___________________________________________________ __
Q: Four Bammer players in a car, who’s driving?
A: The police
_____________________________________________________
Q: Why can’t most of the Bammer players get into a huddle on the field?
A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.
_____________________________________________ _______
The Bammer team has adopted a new Honor System.
“Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor”.
_____________________________________________________
The Tide is expecting a 7-6 season this year.
7 Arrests, 6 convictions.
____________________________________________________
Q: How will the Tide spend the first week of Spring Training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights
______________________________________________________

English…Oh What a Crazy Language

Posted by admin     Category: Uncategorized
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it -English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

Why the Government is in the shape it’s in.

Posted by admin     Category: Common Sense, Politics

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, ‘I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.’ Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ‘Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.’ Her response – click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!’ (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ‘Is it possible to see England from Canada ?’ I said, ‘No.’ She said, ‘But they look so close on the map.’ (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, ‘I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.’ (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ‘Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?’ I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ She replied, ‘Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said ‘FAT’, and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!’ After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is ‘FAT’ (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ‘Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?’

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ‘How do I know which plane to get on?’ I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ‘I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.’

10. A lady Senator called and said, ‘I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?’ I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, ‘Yeah, whatever, smarty!’

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.’ I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ‘Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!’

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, ‘I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .’ I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ‘Are you sure that’s the name of the town?’ ‘Yes, what flights do you have?’ replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ‘I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.’ The lady retorted, ‘Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!’ So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ‘You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?’ The reply? ‘Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.’

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!

Donkey Business

Posted by admin     Category: Jokes

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works for the government.

I Don’t Care

Posted by admin     Category: Anti Americans, Religious
Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not
started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001?
Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered
that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's
capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?
Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or
crushing death that day, or didn't they?
And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was 'desecrated'
when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I
don't. I don't care at all.
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for
incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.
I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring
about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia
I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for chopping off
Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.
I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Iraq come out
and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in
mosques.
I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of
nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide .
I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First
Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the
United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi
terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move
because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't
care.
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed
'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that
his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your
heart of hearts: I don't care.
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled
'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you
guessed it-I don't care!!
If you don't agree, with the above then please don't complain when more atrocities
committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! And may I add:
'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference
in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem' -- Ronald
Reagan
One last thought for the day:
In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment
and negativity, we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony
Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his
Parliament members why he believes so much in America , he said: 'A simple
way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many
want out.'
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
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